Long post notice.
Tomorrow I hit the losers bench for RNY gastric bypass! I’m feeling a LOT of emotions.
I spent years thinking surgery was crutch, as I kept going up and up. As early as I can remember thinking about it, I’ve been a bit overweight. In my teens it was just by 20 or 30 pounds. But as I got older, got a desk job, got married, had kids, etc., it just kept creeping up….and pretty fast!
The lowest I’ve been in the last 25 years is about 325 at the time of my marriage in 1999. I am pre-diabetic, sleep apnea, reflux, high BP, and I have bad arthritis in my knees that hurts pretty much 24/7. I’m generally physically miserable.
I tried everything. Diets. Plans. Willpower. It would last a few days to a couple of weeks then I would “fall off the wagon.” I lost a bit over 100 pounds on a meal replacement plan about 8 years ago, where I hit about 360. Gallbladder revolted and got yanked. Daughter got cancer multiple times over six years and passed away last year.
Life for my family has been survival mode for nearly a decade, and grief for the last 18 months.
After coming home from a desk every day, sitting on the couch eating fast food, watching TV and watching my life and my health fade away, I decided I didn’t want to live like this any more. I miss the outdoors I stayed in as a kid. I miss not having to obsess over walking 15 feet, buying clothes, fitting in spaces. I miss NOT being called “big guy.” I miss life.
I started researching and found that WLS is not at all a crutch or an easy way out. It’s a tool And if coupled with a good mindset, it’s a highly effective tool. So with my wife’s urging I started the process.
At my first doc visit I was at my highest weight of 508 (6’2″/50yo). I lost about 20ish pounds the month and a half before my 2 week pre-op. As of today I’m down 49 pounds.
These last two weeks have been a total grind and mind eff. By day 3 of the second week of pre-op I was just about done with it. Then I felt like I turned a corner These last few days haven’t been easy but they’ve been easier. I think it’s a combo of the old food crap finally flushing out of my system and a mind reset from sticking with it (at least about 95%.)
And here I am, one day to go. I’m on all clear liquids today. The only add in is one regular bottle of Gatorade they want me to drink. Oddly I’ve spent two weeks hating this stupid Gatorade Zero…this morning I took a drink of the regular Gatorade and it doesn’t taste good.
Right now I’m sipping on my G zero and some water but I will get that regular one in today as well as some chicken broth and a Protein2O. Days 1-3 post are clear liquids plus ensure high protein. 4-14 are liquid only like I’m on now. I’m so looking forward to that puree stage….refried beans and Wendy’s chili pureed sound like heavenly rewards right about now. 🙂
As I guess is expected I am feeling a LOT of anxiousness right now. I’ve studied this for a while, I’ve read lots of stuff, watched lots of stuff, talked to many who have had the surgery and found some really good Facebook groups to help, especially the Bariatric Men’s Support Group. There are a lot of good groups out there but most are 95%+ women so the men’s group has been great for me for male specific issues and questions.
So I’ve been exposed to all of the amazing stories and transformations. But I’ve also seen the bad ones too. The ones were something goes wrong. The ones where people are miserable and having post-surgery regrets. Maybe I’ve read TOO much. 🙂
I worry a lot about failure. What if I do this and I don’t keep it off? What if I just don’t have the willpower to do the right things? What if I do this and I’m miserable? What if I really do miss pizza and sweet tea and Doritos and Snickers etc, all the time. This is REALLY the last ditch effort. This is it.
I am trying to refocus and think of the positives that WILL come…the possibility that I may someday be the healthiest I’ve ever been in my adult life. The possibility that I won’t be in perpetual arthritic pain from the stress my weight puts on my body. The possibility that I will wear normal clothes, fit in normal places, not have deep anxiety about being the fat guy everyone stares at.
Sorry guys, I know this is long and rambling. Up until now this has all been for a big thing that was happening in the future some time….but that time is suddenly here and I’m freaking out a little. Or a lot. Thanks for listening!