Long meandering rant ahead.
My surgery day seems like it’s barreling toward me like a freight train. I felt like I waited forever to get to this point and now in less than a month it will be here.
Life wont be the same after. That’s a scary thing. Whether it is built into our DNA, or a learned thing, I don’t know…but both change and the unknown are scary. It’s scary to step out of your comfort zone…even if your comfort zone is making you miserable.
I know that after surgery nothing will be the same as far as my relationship with food. Part of me genuinely looks forward to that. In the last few weeks as I’ve been trying to make changes to lose a little weight before the surgery, I’ve become much more aware of what I’m working toward and have actually become, little by little, more excited about it.
But it’s also scary. Like crazy scary. I mean the surgery itself is scary. I’ve only been in the hospital once for COVID and only had one overnight surgery for gallbladder. The idea that I’m paying a LOT of money for someone to permanently change my physiology with a major surgery is honestly crap-your-pants scary.
I know I have an unhealthy relationship with food. A very unhealthy one. I’m addicted. I know it. Some of my biggest fears have come from thinking “this is the last time I will have <insert whatever God-awful monstrosity of calories and carbs I’m eating>.” I am hoping to move past that type of thinking.
My surgery is in under a month…but I am actually 11 days away from a major diet change, to prep for the surgery. Those two weeks before surgery aren’t going to be fun. Two weeks out I can have 3 protein shakes and one small, very healthy meal per day. One week out I go to just four protein shakes a day. That’s it! Then there’s the post-op diet. I’m hoping my hormones are such that I wont struggle with it as much.
All of this is worry about the unknown. About change. But I have to remember that I’ve talked to person after person that have said this was the best decision they’d ever made for their health. And as much as I have to worry about the future and what I might miss food wise, I can also dream about what I hope to gain. Walking as far as I want to without pain. Fitting into normal clothes and chairs. Losing some self-consciousness about my weight. Being able to get outdoors again. Heck, even mowing my own yard! The future is full of promise!
Then finally, there is the here and now. From about 8pm last night, through 8am today I struggled with wanting to go get a majorly unhealthy comfort breakfast. But I didn’t. I’m happy with myself that I had my protein shake and bar. Right now, I’m starting to make some good decisions about my future.
I am trying to learn to look toward that future, but to stay grounded in the here and now and continue to do the work I need to do.