About 8 years ago I did a meal replacement program and I documented that process. In the beginning I made a blog post pretty much for myself, that turned out to be helpful during the process. That blog has been lost to time unfortunately, but the gist is that I documented all the bad stuff associated with my weight, at the beginning of the process. Then on the harder days I went back to that as a reminder of where I’d come from.
So this is my document of where I am at the beginning of this process. It’s a long one, and it’s mostly for me, but if you stumble across this blog and get something out of it then great!
WEIGHT:
I started this process at 508 pounds. That was my weight about a month ago. As of this writing I’m at about 488, so I’ve lost about 20 pounds.
I honestly can’t believe I ever got to 508 pounds. I’ve been a “big guy” for ever. As long as I can remember, back to high school and beyond, I was a little bigger than most kids. Not terrible, but bigger. I was still active in my teens and twenties. But as I got married, got a desk job, had kids, etc., and continued to eat terribly, the pounds just continued to creep up. I was somewhere in the early 300’s when I got married in 1999. When I started my last big plan 8 years ago I started around 470 and got down to around 370…that would be the lowest I’ve been in 20+ years. But I got gallstones, went off the plan, and slowly gained it all back.
And here I am. Hovering around a quarter of a ton.
JOINT PAIN (ESPECIALLY KNEES):
Everything hurts. All the time. My knees never stop hurting. My ankles hurt. My hips hurt. My back screams. My shoulders hurt. But my knees are killer. I can’t drive more than 10 minutes without my knees start hurting. Every traffic light I put the truck in park and try to stretch and rub them just to make it home from work. The pain is constant and sometimes overwhelming.
Even the tiniest bit of extra work (and extra work is walking an extra 100 feet) means extra pain. It is exhausting to constantly be in pain. If the pain regresses from a 4 or 5 to a 2 or 3, I rejoice.
SERIOUS KNEE PROBLEMS:
About 9 years ago my left knee popped out of place one day while walking. It was excruciating. It hurt for a week and I went to the ortho only to be told I need to lose weight (no other help). Since I haven’t lost weight I haven’t bothered going back.
In January 2022 I was trying to move some furniture and my knee popped hard. It hurt a bit but within a few hours I couldn’t walk on it. It was terrible for about a week then I walked with a limp for 2+ more months after that. There was a major life/family issue going on at that time that needed my focus so I didn’t do anything about it.
Since then it has done it 3-4 more times. I’ve gotten to where I can catch it and minimize the pain if I’m paying attention. But it’s directly weight related.
CLOTHES:
I currently wear a 7XLT shirt. With every shirt size I’ve gone up it’s gotten harder and harder to find clothes that fit comfortably, that are nice and still remotely affordable. I’ve long lost the ability to buy “off the rack” at any major retailer. It’s big and tall or specialty stores only. And if you’ve ever purchased big and tall clothes you know they are stupid expensive.
Not only that but I’ve missed decades of getting cool shorts. I’m a music guy and I haven’t been able to buy any cool band shirts because they don’t make those in 7XLT.
Even if I lose a lot of weight there is a good chance I will never get down below a 2XL/2XLT size. I’m a big guy, as in tall and extremely broad shouldered. But just the idea that I could buy normal clothes would be amazing.
WALKING:
Between the knees and the weight, walking is nearly impossible. And I don’t mean walking a mile. I mean all walking. Every. Single. Step. Even getting up from my bad at home to walk 12 feet to the bathroom is something I have to think about. I haven’t been in a store shopping in months. In fact I’d say in the last 2 to 3 years I’ve only been inside stores a half a dozen times. Which means all grocery shopping is down to my wife. All other shopping is down to my wife.
FITTING IN PLACES:
Booths at restaurants. Airplane seats. Amusement park rides. All of that is out of the question. The last time I was on an airplane was 2019. I was probably around 465 and it was miserable. Not just the seatbelt extender, but just fitting in the seat in general. Even with the arm up I was crowding out my wife next to me.
SELF CONSCIOUS:
When you are morbidly obese like I am, you are constantly aware of it. Constantly. I work in an office and I live in constant fear that my office chair is going to give way at any moment. Why? Because it’s happened before. More than once.
I’m always aware of people staring at me. Kids and adults. I’m aware when they hand out shirts at work for some special event then they whisper “we didn’t have one in your size” or “we are going to have to special order one for you.” I’m aware when I try to do anything.
There are reasons for this beyond weight, but I have severe social anxiety and weight is a HUGE factor of that…probably the biggest. I can’t go to their house, I might break their chair. I can’t go out to eat with them, what if they want to sit in a booth? What if they want to park far away?
It’s constant.
I’M MISSING LIFE:
We had a major terrible life event happen May 2022. After a six year on and off fight, we lost our 19 year old daughter to cancer. It destroyed us.
What little I was doing before that, and it was little, stopped. Our other daughter went back to college and my wife and I were left at home. Our life has consisted of picking up food after work, going home, sitting in front of the TV and eating, and me watching while she dozes off. I can’t like this.
But it’s much more than this. There are times when my wife wants to go to a fall festival. Or just to the store. And she either has to go alone or find someone else.
When we go on vacations, be they big ones, or short mini-stays up the road in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge, I’m pretty much confined to the cabin or hotel we are staying at.
And we want to take bigger trips. Next year is our 25th anniversary. I’d love to take another big trip overseas, but that wont happen without a major life change.
I have let my life pass me by, more and more, for 20+ years. I can’t do that any more. I love the outdoors. I love just mowing my yard. I love going to new places. But I can’t do it with this weight.
IT’S NOW OR NEVER:
In 2010 I found myself in a rural town in Mexico. Long story for another day. I went off on a little walk by myself. I stopped and told myself “you have to make some changes now. You are on the edge of a cliff and you are in very real danger of falling off. Once you fall, there’s no going back.” I knew what I meant by that. I knew if I didn’t make a change something was going to happen, a heart attack, a stroke, something…something was going to happen.
Here I am 13 years later. I wasn’t exactly right, but I wasn’t exactly wrong either. It’s a miracle I didn’t fall off that cliff. But I have definaely been on a steady slide. That walk I took that day, just barely up the road from where we were staying? There is no way I could do that. The fun little basketball games we had at our friends driveway. Even with my huffing and puffing then, there was no way I could do that now. I’ve lost a lot in that 13 years. I’ve lost the ability to live.
And I’m miserable. And I’m tired. And I have to change.
I’m sure there is a LOT more I could say. My weight is a constant daunting presence in literally every aspect of my life. But I hope one day down the road, when I may be having a hard day, this helps me to remember how far I’ve come. Even if I’m not at my final destination yet, I hope this helps me to remember the steps I’ve taken in the journey.